25 insecurities

I'm doing the 25 insecurity challange. Please keep in mind that this is hard for me to write.

1. I have Polyscystic Ovarian Syndrome. or PCOS for short
2. Because I have PCOS, I grow hair in places where a woman shouldn't have hair.
3. I feel inadequate because I have a fertility issue. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for as long as we've been together.
4. I feel like less of a woman because my body can't do the normal things that a woman's body is supposed to do.
5. It kills me inside when I have to hear that ALL my friends are pregnant when that's the only thing that I've ever wanted out of life.
6. I feel self conscious. Sometimes it feels like people can see straight through me. I feel like they can see my flaws.
7. My teeth make me feel self conscious too. I haven't been to a dentist in a couple of years because I'm terrified.
8. I wish more than anything that I could give my husband a baby.
9. I've taken clomid (a fertility drug) and I feel like it tore me up. I feel it did more harm than good.
10. Most nights, I don't really sleep. It's hard to turn my brain off. I have to much going on. to much stress.
11. I wish that I was beautiful in my own eyes. (everyone else's doesn't really matter to me) I just want to see myself as beautiful.
12. Some days, it's hard for me to get out of bed. It's so hard for me to just make it through the day.
13. this whole ordeal with pcos and infertility has emotionally, physically, and mentally drained me. I get depressed, sad, mad, every emotion in the book I've felt towards it.
14. I know I SHOULD be happy every time I hear that another one of my friends is pregnant, but I'm not. I just can't make myself be happy.
15. It takes a tole on my marriage. It makes sex feel like more of a chore. The last time I felt like sex wasn't a chore was our wedding night.
16. I try to feel the void in my heart by loving on my dogs. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't.
17. two years ago, I did manage to get pregnant (yay!) it lasted 2 months. 2 weeks after I found out, I miscarried. Miscarrage rate is high for women with PCOS.
18. I carry around so much guilt because I miscarried. I know it wasn't my fault. There wasn't anything I could have done to stop it, but I just feel like it was my fault.
19. My husband NEVER talks about the miscarrage, and that bothers me. He once told me that if he thought about it he would start blaming people. He would start hating people. I know he would blame me. Sometimes I wish he would talk about it because then I would know I wasn't the only one hurting.
20. It's hard for me to stay positive. I REALLY wish that I was more positive, but getting knocked down so many times it's almost impossible. My husband always says we will have a child, but it's really hard for me to believe that because it's hard for me to stay positive. Especially after all the painful tests and meds that pretty much kill me.
21. I avoid baby isles, pregnancy test isles and anything kid related like it's the plague.
22. I'm terrified to think of the future and not see any children. I know there's adoption and surrogates, but none of that really appeals to me. I want a child that came from MY body. If that makes me sound selfish I can't really help it.
23. In my heart, I know I didn't do anything to deserve this, but in my mind I feel like it's all my fault.
24. Some times I wish my husband had married someone else because then he could have a child which I can see in his eyes. He wants a child as much as I do. It kills me inside to see him hurting too. (but I know he loves me very much and would never leave even if we never have children)
25. I hate when I hear people tell me that "it's going to be okay" or "I know what you're going through." because unless you're going through the exact same time that I am you have NO IDEA how it feels or what it's like.

okay, I told you my 25 insecurities. now it's your turn wiether you do a video or you write them down like I did. Don't be afraid. If I can do it so can you